Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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