You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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