I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
this hospital has no fireball
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
