Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
