I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
