I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
