I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We're too hungover to prance.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
