i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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