glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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