Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
