walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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