The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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