someone threw a dead crab at me
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
