I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
