I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
