you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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