Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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