I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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