just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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