the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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