my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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