I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
