What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
you had me at cake vodka
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
