Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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