shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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