You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
