Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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