I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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