Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
