Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
