Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
