She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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