Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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