so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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