pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
