yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
