When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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