Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
