Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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