I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
