So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
