omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
