his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Vodka?
Forever.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
