Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
