I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Sober January is a disaster.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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