You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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