I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
