just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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