I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
