R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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