My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize