Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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