note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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