how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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