The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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