it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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