Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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