I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize