just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
