does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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